I love you more than everything in my whole life. I need you as normal human needs to breath, as if you were my oxygen. I hate to be without you, ‘cause I suffer with that. When I don’t talk to you, my heart almost explodes. When I think that I miss you, I almost cry, and sometimes I do it, ‘cause the pain in my chest is so big, that I can’t hold it for much time in me. I need to see you, to talk to you, to have you, to hear your voice. You’re everything to me and I want you that way.
Words aren’t enough to say how much I love you, ‘cause although everything that happened, I was suffering ‘cause I was loving you and I couldn’t have you, ‘cause you were far from me. And now you’re still far, but I want you either way, and I don’t wanna let you go. I love you that much, either you being far like you are, but to me, distance only makes us strong, ‘cause we have to make more efforts to keep our love standing, no matter what.
I need you more than everything. My life would suck without you, and it wouldn’t be the same. I don’t regret of having met you and if I didn’t meet you, I don’t know how my life would be, but honestly, I just don’t wanna know. I’m sick of thinking on past, I want to look forward to the future, our future. That’s what I need to think to keep living. I don’t want richness or fame, or even to have a lot of things to do in my life. If don’t have you with me, all that wouldn’t make sense. Living without you sucks.
Someday, someone asked me why I don’t pick my stuff and go to Scotland to take my graduation in Translation, and wanna know what I’ve answered? I answered that even if I had a great opportunity in Scotland and even if there I could become a better translator that I can here in Portugal, I said that there were too many important people here, and I couldn’t ever leave them, even if I wanted. The most important of the people that makes me keep here is you. Some years ago, I wanted to go to there. Now, I can’t even think on that possibility, ‘cause I would have to take you with me. Alone I would never go, or even let you here. I don’t wanna make you suffer, ‘cause I love you that much my darling.
Like Alberto Caeiro says on his poem “My vision is clear like a sunflower”:
“(…) Because who loves never knows what loves
Neither knows why loves, neither knows what is to love…
Loving is the eternal innocence,
And the only innocence is not thinking…”
There are the most significant lines of this poem of his, and one of the reasons why I love to read this heteronym of Fernando Pessoa. ‘Cause, even when to some people this lines don’t make any sense in their minds, I can clearly make an interpretation of these words in a way as clear as water.
In some way, we know that we can love anyone that appears in our way in our lives, but somehow we don’t do that. We’re always waiting for the charmed prince or princess, and when that special person appears, our heart beats one, twice, many times real fast. Sometimes ‘cause of a close encounter, other times ‘cause what we feel while only seeing that person is so strong makes us be so silly and completely blind to everything else. We don’t know what we’re loving, ‘cause we’re sometimes stuck to an imaginative picture of the person that we’re loving, and we don’t see all the reality. That’s why “(…) Loving is the eternal innocence/And the only innocence is not thinking…”
Loving someone is the most wonderful feeling in the world, in spite of being sometimes the biggest mistake of our lives, if we choose wrong the person that we want to be with. But in our case, I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong on my choice, ‘cause in spite of our bad moments, we had pretty good moments, and we’ll have much more in the future, we just have to fight for them. I know I ain’t loving an imaginative picture of you. As time goes by, I’m learning step by step to love you even more. It started a lot of months ago, but day by day, I found more and more wonderful things about you.
Even when sometimes you make mistakes, I rather that you learn with them than being angry with it, ‘cause I love you too damn much to hurt you. I hate to see you cry, ‘cause it makes me cry too. I don’t want to see you sad, ‘cause I want to see you smile and be happy.
Life sometimes can be sucky with us, like it’s being by now, but we have to give the turnaround someway.
Knowing that you love me gives me strength to keep holding on with my life, even when I just wanna die. You’re the only reason why I keep living. ‘Cause I love you, and I don’t want no one besides you. I don’t give a shit to anyone who says that loves me or wants to take me to do stuffs that I don’t want, ‘cause the only thing I want is to you say me that you love me, and I want only you to say that you want me. I don’t want anyone else. You’re my only one. I cherished things that I hadn’t cherished whit nobody else, and I just want to cherish them again and again with you. ‘Cause you’re the only one in my life that makes my heart beat like crazy, and fulfils all my necessities. You’re my special one. No one else matters <33
Diana Tinoco, 24th September 2011
